I am scared

I don't like to intentionally leave out random verses of the Bible when I blog, but this time, I think it's unavoidable. I'm not analyzing anything here, nor am I taking it way out of context as far as I know, but because I'm free-writing here, I don't have room in my head to included the verses from tonight's bible reading that I didn't understand or couldn't apply my life to at this very instant. However, I'll do my best to include as much of it as I can.

If you hadn't noticed, this particular entry is going to be more of a free write than other entries might be. I've got a lot going on, and as I write this, I almost feel like I'm praying. In the end, I know God will sustain me through all the concerns I write and those I probably won't, and to tell the truth, there's probably no reason whatsoever to feel anxious.

But I do.

My granddad is basically on death watch. There's no way he's leaving the hospital with a pulse. He's got advanced lung cancer from smoking all his life and his heart is operating at 14% efficiency, among other problems.

My mom is breaking down more and more from the stress of two dying parents, and she's starting to insist my dad and I not do what little we can to help her...she says bringing her lunch is too much trouble. Today was a really bad day; she texted me all day counting down the hours until May was over. Apparently, lots of things have gone wrong this past month, and she never told anyone, and it was getting to her. She said she's sick of the wretched month of May and she doesn't want to see another one ever.

I dread the month either of her parents dies.

My granddad was told today that he was dying. My uncle told him. My mom texted me immediately after she found out...apparently my granddad, who had previously used the words "I'm dying" to get what he wanted, apparently, he couldn't believe it. At some point between the time my mom texted me what had happened and it actually happening, my granddad had fallen asleep. To try and ease the brevity of the text message Mum sent me, I joked that maybe he snores in the face of death.

Immediately after I said it, I started crying and couldn't stop for almost an hour. I wanted someone to distract me from the obvious pain like I was trying to do for my mom.

As if that weren't all, Brooke and I had kind of made plans that if she was free today, we were going to hang out. I was looking forward to seeing her again, because I see God working in her life so much, and because she's awesome to hang out with, and frankly it's just fun to speak more French than English. Mostly, I wanted to see her today so I could ask her out and learn if we're going to remain just friends, or if we're going to become a couple. Unfortunately, she wasn't able to hang out today.

When I started crying, I texted Cherie to see if maybe she could distract me or something. If nothing else, I hoped she would prod my grief out, and then I'd be explaining to a highly skeptical nonbeliever why in spite of all that's going on, why I still have hope and joy. I almost needed that solidarity in rationally plotting it out verse by verse, just so I could hear myself say all that I was thinking about how God would pull me through.

My mom just came into my room balling her eyes out because she dried a pair of wheelchair gloves I'd forgotten to tell her I'd washed. My wheelchair gloves can't be dried because it kills their lifespan dramatically. In the past, I've freaked out over this, but that was when we were in a sticky spot financially, and I needed those gloves to last through an entire winter. Right now, I've got like six pairs of wheelchair gloves, most if not all in near mint condition. I wish I could help Mum see everything is okay.

God tells us to call upon him in the day of trouble and he will deliver us, and we will honor him.

To me, I read that like it was a command. I see that there are other ways of reading it, and I'm 90% sure I will never read this chapter in the same light again, but for the time being, I feel God is implying to me that I could honor him more.

I know it's an area I struggle with. A friend might ask, "Are you sure you can pay for that?" and I always reply, "Don't worry about it, disability has been good to me." Isn't that a load of bull? Doesn't the credit really belong to God? Not some misnamed federal organization going down the drain?

There are other instances too where I could easily give God credit, but I don't. If I were to list all the reasons I feel convicted though, I don't think I'd ever finish.

Anyways, I read the mentioned verses as "So, I'll fix what's messed up in your life, but you better tell people about it."

Regardless of how I'm reading that passage, check out some of the reasons why this verse left me in humble reverence and fear of God.

Earlier on, the psalm describes in pretty huge detail God's holiness. It's like God won't leave his limo/chariot without a red carpet laid out before him. Only, this red carpet is a firestorm consuming everything in it's path.

Then, God bothered to remind his worshipers that he really doesn't need anything we have to give, because in all honesty, it's his anyways, and if he wanted something, he could just take it.

On a personal note, that reminded me of a struggle I'd had in church last Sunday about putting my usual $20 in the offering plate. Because I'm not working right now, my only income is SSI, and because I anticipate a lot of hefty purchases in the very near future, I hesitated about giving so much money to the church. Finally, I had to ball it up and toss it into the offering plate before I'd thought about it too much and doubted God's ability to bless me for obedience.

Back on topic, another reason I was afraid was because of a verse that essentially promised the sinner will be accused to his face by the very same God who has a flaming windstorm clear a path for his feet.

Lord, God, I'm sorry.

I know what I've done, and what I continue to do, as shown by the aforementioned inability to confidently give God the glory or my sticky fingers when I tithed.

It would be one thing if sin were just something that sets us apart from God. I can understand that, almost accept it. It's like, "Well, God is obviously way different than us mere mortals, I mean, there's got to be a reason he's called God, right?" But sin is more than that. Every sin is a direct attack on God.

So, every thing I do wrong--every sin I commit--it's a direct attack on God and God alone. For that reason, God is justified no matter what happens to me, what my sentence is or whatever.

The fact is, I've been prone to sinning since I was born but that's why I ask you to teach me your ways, God.

I know I'm going to sin again--probably before the day's even over with--but please God, don't send me away from you.

With your help Lord, I want to be a joyful light to every one around me. I ask not that you make me the foundation of hope I aspire to be, but that you make me make you the foundation you alone can be to those around me. Make me willing to glorify you in all that I do, but God, I can't do it on my own. Seriously, without the love of God, I am nothing.

Thanks God, thanks for showing me what it is you desire. I mean that, broken spirit and everything.