I'm coming out

According to my newsfeed, today is coming out day.  I think that means if you're gay, or you feel that way sometimes, or you want to be accepted in that community, you're supposed to use today as an opportunity to tell the world you're coming out as homosexual.

I don't really know how it's supposed to work.

So I could write a better blog entry, I did a little research on the history of today being Coming Out Day.  Apparently, this date was chosen because of a famous march on Washington by the LGBT community back in the late eighties.  I'm not really sure.  I did use Wikipedia, after all.

According to my women's studies professor, straight people are actually discriminating against homosexuals if they never come out as straight.  The idea is something like because heterosexuality is the norm, people automatically assume attraction to the opposite sex is expected, and if that is not the case, the inherent awkwardness oppresses the homosexual, bisexual, and transsexual communities.  So, I think the reasoning is if homosexual people have to come out as homosexual in order for their sexual orientation to be recognized by society, the sexual orientation of every other living human on the planet must be called into question or declared "undecided" or something.

For me, that's just weird.

Just trying to explain how not coming out as straight, gay, bi, or single-and-loving-it discriminates against gay people confused me so much, I'm not even sure my explanation made sense.

(If someone out there reading this understands how it's supposed to work better than I do, please, do share.)

Why do people have to come out at all? Every gay person I know has told me, "It's not always about sex" so why make it about sex?  Doesn't coming out as homosexual imply something other than just a feeling for the same sex?  Not to downplay any of the discrimination and oppression homosexuals face on a day-to-day basis, but maybe part of the reason straight people don't come out is because they "do it" behind closed doors.

Coming out as straight would be like, "I'm sexually attracted to women, (and I like it woman-on-top)."  Granted, the statement I just made is a tad exaggerated, but it needs to be in order to compare to the stigmata associated with being gay. Even before I started taking women's studies, I knew if you said you were gay, people concluded you liked it Brokeback Mountain style.

Do you see my point?

There's nothing wrong with coming out, in my opinion. I've had people come out to me before, a few times as one of their first supporters, but I don't understand why people come out.

Perhaps, perhaps it's a matter of self-confidence, and accepting who you are?

Assuming that's what it's all about, then yes, I think coming out is important.  Knowing who you are is absolutely essential in day-to-day life, and it's also important to make it clear to others.

Please allow me the opportunity to come out to you, to be as honest and frank as I can muster.

I, Jonathan, am coming out about who I am, not just the me people see, but the me on the inside, the real, nothing-to-hide me.

I am a terrible person inside. Jealousy, rage, and passionate sexual urges consume me.  Every day, I struggle not to think more highly of myself than I should, or harangue some poor soul taking the elevator up one floor even though the stairs are empty and two of the three elevators are broke-down.  It's not just the elevators either. Stand in my wheelchair's blindspot, and I'm liable to shove you to the ground even after you come into my field of vision.

My own insecurities leave me feeling clingy, unwanted, thirsty for companionship in any form.  Sure, I've got my "good person" moments too, but can they really make up for all the darkness that is inside me?  Karma doesn't work like a see-saw, and even if it did, I doubt my good deeds could ever balance out my bad deeds.  This isn't some brainwashed religious dogma forcing me to feel guilty over imagined and contrived wrongdoings some preacher shouted at me from his wooden podium.  This is me recognizing the hurt I've had no problem causing too many times.

I'm still ashamed of the tears people cried because of me.  There was one dude when I was younger, Kyle, he just wanted to play basketball with three other dudes at church and I. I told him no way because it would unbalance the teams. He went home from vacation bible school early that day, crying.

Truth is, I'm not worth the chewed gum stuck to the heel of my boot.  In the sight of a perfect, blameless God, I am nothing.  Let me come out and say, I am a sinner saved by the love, power, and grace of Jesus.

Happy coming out day.

Why isn't there a God's day?

Father's day is sometime in June, if I remember correctly.  Mother's Day is easy; it's always the week of my mother's birthday, that Sunday I think.  Siblings and pets have birthdays to celebrate, and lovers are special enough to get one of the scarce few days in February.  Why isn't there a day to celebrate all that God's done?

Don't tell me that's what Christmas and Easter are for.  Christmas might celebrate the birth of Christ, but Jesus sure didn't fall into that manger because it lay beneath the chimney.  And where was Peter when the stone rolled away? Peter Cottontail, I mean. We know where Simon Peter was.

I'm serious. God deserves a day when all we do is focus on him.

Your father and mother aren't always going to be there for you, but God doesn't mind babysitting, even if you're all grown up.

And, I don't care who yo daddy is, God is entitled to the "world's best dad" shirt.

Moms have it rough, and sometimes they just forget to take the chicken out of the freezer, but truth be told, God won't forget to feed you.

Since there's no calendar day devoted to the God of the universe, why don't we all take what's left of today and devote it to celebrating all that God's done for us? You know I'm going to.

Rough day

The past few days have been getting progressively more difficult. Stress at home, stress at work, and stress in general have been taxing on me.  My dad and I had an argument a few weeks back.  It was never resolved because he refused to acknowledge any reality other than what he wanted to perceive it as.  Essentially, he's dictating how I'm supposed to act, and if I show any emotions (because he's yelling at me like I'm in trouble), he shrugs them off as me tearing up a little over nothing.

I'm not a kid anymore.

My frustration and anger aside, I'm in a really down spot right now because I got too busy today to spend any serious time in prayer or bible reading.  I managed twenty minutes of cramming this morning before I had to get to class and finish my homework, and then I almost sat aside my homework for another class at noon to flat-out bible study, but I wasn't able to do it.  I just had too much homework and got too busy to afford more than the three obscure verses I looked up for a friend organizing a bible study.

My best friend's mom is sick with a sinus infection again. She's been fighting it since December or November. I'm worried for her, her family, and most significantly, for my friend.  I don't know how to comfort my friend because she's not a Christian and most of the time if I share a bible verse with her, she's just like "Oh. What does that mean? I don't see how it relates to my mom being sick."  It's hard to find any verse she can really appreciate for what it is, and that's compounded by the fact she's literally my closest friend, even if we're not as close right now.

I think God's telling me to get on my knees and pray, first thing tomorrow morning.  I'm discouraged and I can't go on without catching up on my God-time first chance I get.  God's got me, from now until forever.

You Are Here

I spent most of last week struggling.  Sure, I still read my bible daily--I couldn't live with myself if I ignored it entirely--but I'd scaled back how much I was reading. My excuse, Numbers is a really dull book.  The whole week, I'd oscillated between it and an in-depth study of Psalms I recently started.  By in-depth, I mean, I've started reading only one or two songs and trying to break them down verse by verse.  Really, what that means for me, is I've got to fight harder to seriously study every aspect of the Psalm.  It's like, I read it, I figure out what it's saying, why it was written, and the audience it was written for, then I take that and make a mental note of whom this would be good for and how it could encourage people in certain situations, and then, then if I cannot apply it to myself personally in the here-and-now, I move on to other things.

Ordinarily, or formerly as it may be, this would have been more than enough God time for me.  I'd feel spiritually refreshed, and in sync with God.  I'm a simple guy.  If the bible shows me an example of God using disabled people in spite of their pain or suffering, I'm happy.  If God reveals a nuance of his love for humanity that I'd never considered, I'm jumping up and down and singing praises in front of the drill press.

But, it's not just me anymore.

Too many people depend on my faith for their own walk with God.

I'm not saying they are my responsibility or that without me they wouldn't be able to do the whole God thing. God is God, and he doesn't need anyone or anything to fulfill his divine purpose in our lives.  Besides, we can't save anyone, no matter how hard we try.  Only God, through his mercy, saves.

What I'm saying is that God has placed these people and situations in my life for a reason, and all I know to do is give God the glory however I can.

I wish there was a step-by-step process to get help from the useless staff at a nursing home or encourage every doubting believer or reunite every broken love.  You know, something with faceless illustrations.


There's not--but there is a God in control of all these situations.

As much as I love helping people come closer to God, I still wonder how I fit in. My human nature yearns to see it's own desires fulfilled.  Last week was hard because I didn't always feel the strongest, or if I did, I pushed myself farther than I should have--and it hurts even to admit it--and I hate being stuck on a couch.  I worry I'll never have the strength to serve God in the way I want, even though I know he will sustain me and even without Muscular Dystrophy, I would never be strong enough to serve him without his strength in me.

It's a tough battle, even without all the people who depend on me for encouragement.  I hope you can see how broken and weak I felt.  I didn't understand how I could possibly be where God wanted me to be in order to glorify him most and become more Christ-like in my actions.

God snapped me out of it Friday.

Just like the day before, God had really shown me how blessed I was, and how many people he had placed around me who were imbued with the Holy Spirit.  Because of people like Catherine, Mary, and Crystal, I was seeing God work out my own problems.

That gave me the strength to ignore my own suffering and fight the many temptations dangling in front of me.  Seriously, God is enough.

I saw who I was without God, and how miserable I had been back then, and I hated that person.

After leading the French bible study, and being overwhelmed by God's presence in it, I wanted nothing more than for God to know my faults and lead me in the way everlasting.


But I have spared you for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth. ~Exodus 9:16

Feeling Courageous

Ok, you got me. This is more about an upcoming movie than about the bible.

My church is reserving several theaters for opening night at the nearby movie theater.  Church goers are encouraged to buy their tickets through the church, and also to contribute towards getting tickets for the entire city's police precinct (and their wives) to come see the movie.

My plan is to buy three tickets tomorrow.  One is for a police officer, and the other two I'm reserving for myself.  There are two ideal uses for those tickets, in my opinion.  Me, Jonathan, the adorable single dude I am, I 'd love to take a Christian woman to see this movie with me, i.e. on a date.  I have someone in mind, but it's in God's hands if I go with her, since at this point, it's still a bit far off.

The other ideal use of the spare ticket would be for the friend whom God most wants to see this movie with me.  Considering the trailer promises a deep, make-you-read-ya-bible plotline, there's a lot of potential for God to speak through the movie.

In the meantime, I'm going to pray that God reveals whom should sit next to me in the theater, because I do not doubt there is someone God's pointing to.

Someone else

In the past month and a half-ish, I finished reading Revelations and started back again with Genesis. This time around, I've got more colored pens than I did when I started last time, so I'm keeping an eye out for the details I've yet to color-code, but more than that, I've been fascinated with how God's love works in the Old Testament. Most if not all Christians understand God so loved the world that he gave his only son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. Sure, okay, nifty, but that's the New Testament God.

The Old Testament God is the exact same entity as the New Testament God, just saying.

God doesn't change, got it. Except, the Old Testament loves getting all nationalistic for the nation of Israel and the Jewish people. Considering,they're God's chosen people, I can't help feeling a little out of the loop.

But, God loved the world, not just the Jewish people. Where is that in the Old Testament? The New Testament tells us that there is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for we are all one in Jesus. Surely that doesn't mean before Jesus was born, God loved non-Jews (aka Gentiles) less than Jews.

If Jesus is the promised messiah, the promised savior of the Jewish people (which, praise God, he is!) and he told his followers to make disciples of all nations, then there should be some indication in the Old Testament of his awesome salvation being available to non-Jewish people also.

The first example that comes to mind is the promise made to Abraham, that through his offspring, the whole world would be blessed. I don't know about you, but I've always found that idea to be a bit vague. True, you can, by a long process of analyzing both the language used and the family tree of Abraham down to Jesus, and see that yes, it is theoretically possible that because of Jesus, all nations are blessed.

The only problem is that we're back at the idea that all non-Jews before Christmas 0000 were screwed. Sucks to be them.

I use a purple exclamation mark in the margins of my bible when I discover a verse that shows God's love for non-Jews or the faith they have in him. Sometimes, I put the exclamation mark in parenthesis to indicate the possibility the verse shows God's love for non-Jews or their faith in him. I've only made it halfway through Numbers since starting the bible over again, and most of the purple exclamation marks I've drawn had parenthesis around them.

A few verses in Numbers 15 did not.

Numbers 15:13...blah, blah...when one of God's chosen people by birth brings an offering he should do it like this...Numbers 15:14...when a foreigner living among you presents an offering to the Lord, he must do it the same way...

Wait, what?

Numbers 15:15...same rules for native born and foreigner living among you...You and the alien shall be the same before the Lord.

Say again?

Numbers 15:16...the same laws and regulations will apply both to you and to the alien living among you.

For some odd reason, I feel like there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free but Christ is all, and is in all.

Que Dieu nous aide

Alors, récemment, Dieu l'a mis sur mon coeur qu'il faut faire quelque chose pour son gloire avec le français. J'ai fait beaucoup de recherche à l'église française, et je suis membre des associations pour les chrétiens au monde francophone. Donc, j'ai réalisé que je connaissais plein des chrétiens qui parle français mais qui n'ont pas de vocabulaire de leur foi.

Dieu m'a bénéficié avec le don des diverses langues et je crois le don de l'interprétation des langues. Aussi, Il m'a donné une compréhension de sa parole et la capacité de parler sans peur.

Et puis, si vous pourriez prier que Dieu parle par moi, et que nous pouvons trouver une heure de le faire et aussi quelque par ou nous pouvons lire la bible, je vous remercie.

***

So, recently, God placed it on my heart that I need to do something for His glory with French. I've done a lot of research on the French church and I'm a member of some organizations for Christians in the French-speaking world. And so, I realized I know plenty of French-speaking Christians who don't know the vocabulary of their faith.

God blessed me with the gift of various languages, and I believe the interpretation of these languages. Also, He gave me an understanding of his word and the ability to speak without fear.

And so, if you could pray for God to speak through me and for us to find a time to do the Bible study as well as a place to hold to do it at, I would really appreciate it.