Monday, May 31, 2010

I am scared

I don't like to intentionally leave out random verses of the Bible when I blog, but this time, I think it's unavoidable. I'm not analyzing anything here, nor am I taking it way out of context as far as I know, but because I'm free-writing here, I don't have room in my head to included the verses from tonight's bible reading that I didn't understand or couldn't apply my life to at this very instant. However, I'll do my best to include as much of it as I can.

If you hadn't noticed, this particular entry is going to be more of a free write than other entries might be. I've got a lot going on, and as I write this, I almost feel like I'm praying. In the end, I know God will sustain me through all the concerns I write and those I probably won't, and to tell the truth, there's probably no reason whatsoever to feel anxious.

But I do.

My granddad is basically on death watch. There's no way he's leaving the hospital with a pulse. He's got advanced lung cancer from smoking all his life and his heart is operating at 14% efficiency, among other problems.

My mom is breaking down more and more from the stress of two dying parents, and she's starting to insist my dad and I not do what little we can to help her...she says bringing her lunch is too much trouble. Today was a really bad day; she texted me all day counting down the hours until May was over. Apparently, lots of things have gone wrong this past month, and she never told anyone, and it was getting to her. She said she's sick of the wretched month of May and she doesn't want to see another one ever.

I dread the month either of her parents dies.

My granddad was told today that he was dying. My uncle told him. My mom texted me immediately after she found out...apparently my granddad, who had previously used the words "I'm dying" to get what he wanted, apparently, he couldn't believe it. At some point between the time my mom texted me what had happened and it actually happening, my granddad had fallen asleep. To try and ease the brevity of the text message Mum sent me, I joked that maybe he snores in the face of death.

Immediately after I said it, I started crying and couldn't stop for almost an hour. I wanted someone to distract me from the obvious pain like I was trying to do for my mom.

As if that weren't all, Brooke and I had kind of made plans that if she was free today, we were going to hang out. I was looking forward to seeing her again, because I see God working in her life so much, and because she's awesome to hang out with, and frankly it's just fun to speak more French than English. Mostly, I wanted to see her today so I could ask her out and learn if we're going to remain just friends, or if we're going to become a couple. Unfortunately, she wasn't able to hang out today.

When I started crying, I texted Cherie to see if maybe she could distract me or something. If nothing else, I hoped she would prod my grief out, and then I'd be explaining to a highly skeptical nonbeliever why in spite of all that's going on, why I still have hope and joy. I almost needed that solidarity in rationally plotting it out verse by verse, just so I could hear myself say all that I was thinking about how God would pull me through.

My mom just came into my room balling her eyes out because she dried a pair of wheelchair gloves I'd forgotten to tell her I'd washed. My wheelchair gloves can't be dried because it kills their lifespan dramatically. In the past, I've freaked out over this, but that was when we were in a sticky spot financially, and I needed those gloves to last through an entire winter. Right now, I've got like six pairs of wheelchair gloves, most if not all in near mint condition. I wish I could help Mum see everything is okay.

God tells us to call upon him in the day of trouble and he will deliver us, and we will honor him.

To me, I read that like it was a command. I see that there are other ways of reading it, and I'm 90% sure I will never read this chapter in the same light again, but for the time being, I feel God is implying to me that I could honor him more.

I know it's an area I struggle with. A friend might ask, "Are you sure you can pay for that?" and I always reply, "Don't worry about it, disability has been good to me." Isn't that a load of bull? Doesn't the credit really belong to God? Not some misnamed federal organization going down the drain?

There are other instances too where I could easily give God credit, but I don't. If I were to list all the reasons I feel convicted though, I don't think I'd ever finish.

Anyways, I read the mentioned verses as "So, I'll fix what's messed up in your life, but you better tell people about it."

Regardless of how I'm reading that passage, check out some of the reasons why this verse left me in humble reverence and fear of God.

Earlier on, the psalm describes in pretty huge detail God's holiness. It's like God won't leave his limo/chariot without a red carpet laid out before him. Only, this red carpet is a firestorm consuming everything in it's path.

Then, God bothered to remind his worshipers that he really doesn't need anything we have to give, because in all honesty, it's his anyways, and if he wanted something, he could just take it.

On a personal note, that reminded me of a struggle I'd had in church last Sunday about putting my usual $20 in the offering plate. Because I'm not working right now, my only income is SSI, and because I anticipate a lot of hefty purchases in the very near future, I hesitated about giving so much money to the church. Finally, I had to ball it up and toss it into the offering plate before I'd thought about it too much and doubted God's ability to bless me for obedience.

Back on topic, another reason I was afraid was because of a verse that essentially promised the sinner will be accused to his face by the very same God who has a flaming windstorm clear a path for his feet.

Lord, God, I'm sorry.

I know what I've done, and what I continue to do, as shown by the aforementioned inability to confidently give God the glory or my sticky fingers when I tithed.

It would be one thing if sin were just something that sets us apart from God. I can understand that, almost accept it. It's like, "Well, God is obviously way different than us mere mortals, I mean, there's got to be a reason he's called God, right?" But sin is more than that. Every sin is a direct attack on God.

So, every thing I do wrong--every sin I commit--it's a direct attack on God and God alone. For that reason, God is justified no matter what happens to me, what my sentence is or whatever.

The fact is, I've been prone to sinning since I was born but that's why I ask you to teach me your ways, God.

I know I'm going to sin again--probably before the day's even over with--but please God, don't send me away from you.

With your help Lord, I want to be a joyful light to every one around me. I ask not that you make me the foundation of hope I aspire to be, but that you make me make you the foundation you alone can be to those around me. Make me willing to glorify you in all that I do, but God, I can't do it on my own. Seriously, without the love of God, I am nothing.

Thanks God, thanks for showing me what it is you desire. I mean that, broken spirit and everything.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Man, I feel for Job

I hope all two of my readers are familiar with the story of Job, the righteous man who lived a really long time ago, but whom was tested by Satan to see if he was really loyal to God. It was bad enough that he lost everything except his health but Job faced more difficulties. Sometime after he lost everything he had, Job fell seriously ill.

His family is dead, his riches are gone, his health is failing, and what do his friends do? They come to have a theological debate with Job as he lies there in his misery.

First, this dude Eliphaz says Job screwed up, and he should be praising God for every "punishment" God has thrown his way.

Job defends himself but Bildad thinks Job's got it all wrong, that obviously bad things don't happen to good people. Der. If Job is suffering, then he must have turned away from God. Job is suffering, ergo he must have turned away from God.

The truth was, Job didn't turn away from God. He was as devout as ever, quite possibly the most devout man on the scarcely populated planet at the time!

Job defends himself again, and his buddy Zophar steps up and says that Job is so bad, that even if God forgot some of his badness, Job would still be too bad a person to claim half of what he had! WTF? (That's "What the Faith?" for those of you unfamiliar with the acronym.)

Over and over again, Job's friends butt heads with Job, tag-team style. Eventually, they realize they're not getting anywhere with Job (as if they had any thing worth saying!). Thus, they concede Job cannot be reasoned with, so who steps in?

A snot-nosed kid named Elihu! I mean, just look at that name! How dorky can you get? It's like a cross between "aloha" and "toodleoo"!

Now, if I had been Job, I'd have probably told the punk he was twelve and he should go back to the junglegym.

Whether or not that's what Job had been about to say, we don't know because someone else decided to question Job. By 'someone else,' I mean /the LORD God Almighty/, speaking through a storm! It's alright if your knees are trembling for Job's sake. Mine are.

I feel for Job right about now. Granted, I've never been through everything Job went through, but still, he's had quite a day.

Friday, May 21, 2010

The Gulf Oilspill

I'm sure you've heard what's been in the news for more than a month, the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico. There's no doubt it's man's fault, but I was surprised to find an entire chapter of the Bible relevant to it. I mean, I know it's the word of God, and more than half of it can be read as prophetic and historic at the same time. I'm also aware of what is supposed to happen in escalating intensity during "the last days", but none of the signs of the end of the age seem to describe an oil spill in my opinion, not directly.

However, as I said, I found an entire chapter of the Bible that reflects whats going on now. To tell the truth, it's actually kind of poetic.

As humans, we've got an affinity for exploiting natural resources until they run dry and we look somewhere else. Eventually, we end up looking in hard-to-reach places (like the bottom of the sea, for example). When drilling for oil is going like it's supposed to, the profit margin is pretty high--just watch the Beverly Hillbillies if you don't believe me.

But, like in the case of the Gulf Oil Spill, all the other creatures know better than to go to such extremes. Humanity on the other hand seems to view everything like an investment. Humans can look at a mountain or seabed or whatever, and it's like their eyes cha-ching into dollar signs like in cartoons.

What's the point? Sure, man can spend his entire life studying nature so as to better exploit it, but can we really understand anything the way God does? Despite what we think, we are oblivious to how far away from true understanding we really are. The truth is, every method we have to find wisdom is pretty ineffective.

BP certainly demonstrated verse 14 at the bottom of the sea for us.

Wisdom and understanding are more valuable than money--that, or Job couldn't afford his college tuition.

This bodes the question, where is this alleged understanding? God only knows.


Literally
, no pun intended.

What's God got to say about it then?

Saturday, May 15, 2010

A Love Like This

We always hear in church that we know God loves us because he sent his only son to die for us. We also hear pretty often, especially in lots of worship songs, that we'll never know how much it cost to bear our sins upon that cross. The observant church-goer might notice those are both Biblical facts, the verses for which I don't remember off the top of my head. That being said, it's hard to really understand how much God loves us, at least not that easily in plain-old sinner terms.

I think I've found a way to put it in terms we all can understand.

Long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there were the Israelites. They were God's people. Needless to say, God didn't leave them high and dry.

For starters, God was, and is God, which in and of itself deserves a round of applause.

Unlike some people we probably know, God keeps his promises, and he did then too.

When the Israelites were being bullied, God didn't stand by and let those mean-heads harass them. No, he was like the big biker dude in the leather jacket cracking his knuckles right behind the wimpy kid as some punk tried to steal the kid's lunch money.

Plus, God provided everything they needed without even being asked.

And yet, the Israelites were stubborn.

God put up with their crap.

He even tolerated the Israelites even when they cheated on him with this cow-looking-thing. No one other than God would put up with that much bull.

Yet, God was still there to guide them.

And he continued to provide for them, more than that, bless them.

So, what did the Israelites do? If you've ever watched a two-year-old, you probably saw this one coming.

God's response: Discipline and compassion.

Guess what the Israelites did next! And then what God did! Dejavu!

God warned them...

...and warned them...

By this point, most people would have unfriended the Israelites on Facebook if nothing else. Personally, I wouldn't be surprised if I'd murdered them or something. But God? No, he's above such frivolous behaviors.

The Israelites must be pretty terrible, right? Well, we're no better. We do the exact same thing over and over again. I can't tell your story, but I can assure you I've screwed up at least as much as the Israelites.

I'm an angry person, but not just for anything, for stupid stuff. For example, when a stranger opens a door for me just because I'm in a freaking wheelchair, I struggle not to chew them out every gosh darn time. When I'm annoyed by someone, I tend to utter sarcastic, sometimes scathing criticisms of them for all to hear. Oh, and don't even get me started on my lustful nature--I used to be a porn addict and before that, I walked halfway around a baseball field with some chick. When it comes down to it, I am a sinner. Plain and simple.

But God has blessed me beyond what I deserve. He has given me enormous disability checks every month with very few bills to pay, and he's given me the ambition and ability to do well in school. Because of God, I have many loyal friends and I'm the president of the French Club--heck, because of God, the French Club at my school has done things it hasn't been able to do for at least the past four years if ever at all. Most importantly, I know that God loves me so much, he was willing to die for me, so that I might one day spend eternity in heaven praising him. I can't wait.

The fact of the matter is, God's been good to me even though I'm less than deserving.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

The Name of God

The name of God fascinates me. I understand that we really can't know /the/ name of God until we get to heaven but the names we have been given usually seem to have a ton of power behind them. Of course, we've got to realize who we're talking about here. If saying "Johnny Depp" can make girls swoon or "Barack Obama" can make people vote, shouldn't the name of the creator of the universe be a little more dramatic? I would think so.

Even though the actual name of God is probably above our understanding, we can grasp the names God has given us to refer to him as. Often, we can connect the Old and New Testaments through these names, although there are other more direct links between the Bible's two parts.

Jesus was the bread of life. And what was it the Israelites ate in the day of Moses? Was it not bread from heaven, eventually called Manna?

Jesus also was described as (or as the one having) the Living Water. Again in the story of of the Israelites leaving Egypt, we see a little foreshadowing going on; water flowed from the rock.

An interesting detail to point out is that the Old English word for "strike" (as shown in Exodus 17:6 referenced in the last paragraph) is "smite", that word I'm sure Christians everywhere love explaining. Why is the appearance of the word "smite" important to the overall message? Well, Jesus was smitten for our sins, wasn't he? May I point out Jesus was called the Rock?

While we're on the topic of how much Jesus rocks, I should point out the Old Testament praises God rocking like he does.

We can't forget that Jesus was also a sacrificial lamb, dying for us so we wouldn't have to. Not surprisingly, this is a familiar concept in the Old Testament.

Oo! Here's a name in the Old Testament I'm pretty sure we see used in the New Testament!

I haven't studied the Bible enough yet to know where other correlations are in the Bible, but I don't doubt there are more. It's possible I'm reading too much into it, although for me, this is exciting stuff. However, in case I am reading too much into it, I encourage you to examine the Bible for yourself and make your own opinion. Go on, try it!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Life's Not Easy

Lots of people, Christians and nonChristians alike, think the reason people believe in God/Jesus/whatever is because they're certain it's going to be an easy life. They think that the moment they ask Jesus into their hearts, it's going to be a bed of roses.

While it's true that Jesus doesn't ask much of us, it's not true that our Christian walk is going to be peachy the whole way.

In fact, we are told numerous times that as followers of Jesus, we should expect some people to hate us for no reason.

Jesus didn't exactly come to bring peace to the world. He even pointed out, some of our biggest struggles will be with our own family members.

When you add on to that, the issues everyone faces, like money, work, school, sickness, sexual desire, personal ambition, and the need to be accepted, honestly living a sinful life can look pretty appealing, can't it? But, as believers, we are not bound by the power of these needs and temptations any longer.

What does the Bible say concerning our daily struggles with all of the above? Trust in God.

I'll admit, that's a pretty hefty statement to accept right off the bat. Sure, God may be the creator of the universe and everything, and I don't doubt he's all-seeing, all-knowing, and all-powerful. But, it's hard enough to trust a homework partner to do all their work in an expedient manner, especially when your grade depends on how much effort they put forth. How then can we trust God whom we can't even see? Don't we just have too much going on for God to handle all of it? Like, we can trust God for some stuff, but not for others, right?

I know that's what it's like for me.

Jesus gave us a way to get past all our insecurities.

That's all fine and dandy, but is Jesus big enough to overcome whatever is in your life right now?

See for yourself.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Giving to God

Since I've had an income, I've done my best to give as close to ten percent of my money to the church as I could. That's not to say I was stingy with my giving, not usually. It's that I'm too lazy to calculate exactly 10% of what I've got, and then get that to give, and it's a lot easier to round based on convenience. Before I had a job, I would give from whatever I had in my wallet at the time, because that pretty much amounted to all the money I had. Since I started getting a paycheck, I would shoot for $20 a week, give or take.

It's amazing to me that I can give even that much.

I mean, we are giving to God, for crying out loud. To put that in perspective, take out a dollar bill. Examine the wrinkles, creases, tears, and stains coating it. Now, smell it. Do you smell all the grease, sweat, filth, and grime that has touched that one dollar bill during it's lifetime? Do you even want to think about the bras women might have hidden that dollar bill in, the coke people snorted through it, or the strippers it could have paid?

The fact of the matter is, because we're all sinners, everything repulsive about that dollar bill is present in us in God's eyes. We shouldn't even be allowed near God, right?

How can we do anything for ourselves? If it weren't for God's help, we wouldn't be able to do anything. Period. End of story. Thus, everything we do have is actually from God.

Whatever we're giving God, be it time, money, our lives, or just our humility, we know that God likes it when we give sincerely. That is, we're not giving because we want something in return, nor are we grumbling about our gifts.

Familytree.com probably doesn't say whether or not I've descended from Abraham, Isaac, or Israel, but I'm pretty sure those who walk the same spiritual walk they did qualify as God's people. In that light, I consider myself and many of my friends and peers as a part of God's people. That being said, I often pray our hearts are in the right place.

How do we keep our hearts set on God? It's not that hard.