Shut Up, God's Talking.

Phosphofructokinase deficiency, that's my official diagnosis.

In medical terms, this type of Muscular Dystrophy means my body lacks the enzyme that breaks down glucose, therefore, I do not derive any energy from the consumption of carbohydrates. The disease is incredibly rare, requiring both parents to carry the gene even if they don't show symptoms for it to pass on.

In plain old people terms, it means I get tired easily, especially when I'm walking, standing, running, etc. I can't eat pasta to run a marathon on, instead needing a high protein diet at all times. My legs, and to a lesser extent, my back are prone to random and sporadic muscle cramps, twitchiness, and general weakness. None of the medicines out there for Muscular Dystrophy help me, and I'm pretty unique in the disabled world.

Jesus was listening when I was diagnosed.

This is something I've wanted to talk to Emerald about since like two days after she and I first went out to dinner with Crystal and David. I tried a few times, but we never really had time, or if we did, it didn't feel important enough in light of what she had going on.

I think the biggest reason I've wanted to talk about it with Emerald--or any of my Christian friends, honestly--was that I've felt this obnoxious prodding deep down in my gut about how my MD affects me spiritually.

I can't deny the connection exists because, if nothing else, there's a reason I can skim through my Bible at random and notice more verses are highlighted promising strength for the weak than there are anything else. It's not like I don't know God cares for me, or that he doesn't provide the promised strength when I most need it.

For the record, he does.

It boils down to why God made me who I am. There's a reason I have Muscular Dystrophy, and as I often say when sharing my story, I thank God for it.

Still though, in rough spots with MD, it's so much harder to voice those feelings.

I wonder if that's part of the beauty of it, that when I'm physically and emotionally exhausted, people see how difficult it is for me, but my dependence on God comes out more too.

As a disabled person, wheelchair or not, I envy certain things non-disabled persons can do. I don't play sports because most of them would leave me clinically exhausted just practicing. For as long as I can remember, I've thought dancing was the most amazing thing ever, probably because I literally can't dance. Whenever someone runs anywhere, or manages to take these long strides that never seem to tire as we're walking somewhere, I am usually amazed at their step-taking ability. That, or I naturally assume they must have a ton of endurance.

Of course, it's always because they're "normal".

You can probably see I want to be like that because I'm not.

That's where God comes in.

All throughout, the Bible tells stories of miraculous healings, strength for the weary, hope for the hopeless. The Bible also promises God still is capable of such feats.

I feel this is how God has revealed himself to me.

On the days when I am just too exhausted to do it on my own, God steps in.

I cannot describe how it feels when God gives me the strength to keep standing or walking or whatever when my legs were about to give out before I prayed for help. It's like electricity pouring into a pitcher and splashing on the sides, but only in reverse and upside down. Amazing is the only word for it.

Even though I have witnessed God's healing power, I think it's at the times God gives me a strength other than the physical kind that I am closest to God.

God gave me the strength to stand up when I could not, and more than that, he gave me the strength to sit down when I would not.

That's why I believe what I do.

Deep down, I wonder how God can use my disability for his glory, but I also know he can and is.

A while back, a good friend of mine, Jevon, I shared my testimony with him. Due to the pull of the Holy Spirit calling him, he made a decision for Jesus like a month ago. I am humbled and thrilled that my story had any influence on him; every time he talked to me about it, he was moved to tears.

Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"

I'm Weak, God's Not.

God gave me a pep talk last night.

I've walked a lot in these past few days, a lot more than I should have considering my Muscular Dystrophy. As such, I was seriously hurting last night. My legs were giving out on me, my back had me ready to scream, my head was pounding, and every part of me that could hurt did. Even my arms, which are normally fine when I over do it, they were exhausted from being held above my head to unscrew window blinds and stuff all afternoon.

It didn't help matters that I still hadn't heard back from Emerald after our first big fight.

All in all, I was angry and I didn't feel good whatsoever. Because it is a big part of my life, I had pinned everything that was going wrong in my life at that very moment on my MD.

It was working for me.

Heck, I had planned to post this horrible facebook status about how sucky MD could be at times just to vent some of my frustration. It was the sort of thing that would have had all my friends feeling bad for me and unable to find the words to comment on my status. It was that depressing.

Anyways, I had it all typed out in the status box, all but like the last two words. I was pausing for a second just to find les mots justes, the exact words that would evoke the greatest sympathy and speechlessness.

My phone vibrated in my pocket.

It was a text message from an unknown caller. It read "Psalm 147" and that's it.

Let me explain what stood out to me.

First off, the chapter started out reminding me how awesome it is to praise God for all he's done.

Then verse 3 went and smacked down both my reasons to be emo-depressive. God heals the brokenhearted and sticks a Band-Aid on their booboos. As I said, I was frustrated at how epically I screwed up and hadn't yet heard from Emerald, and my body was to the point of breaking from exhaustion.

As if that weren't enough, God cross-examined me to see why I really wanted to share the message. I had thought no one understood me, except maybe Emerald who wasn't talking to me, but as is often the case, I was mistaken.

Verse six was a gentle reminder to stay humble, so I didn't screw up again.

Verse seven told me to suck it up and be thankful for what I've got.

To understand why verse ten hit home, it's important to remember my legs always fare the worst when MD is being sucky. They ached, twitched, cramped, and struggled beneath my weight--assuming they could even get me standing.

Up until now, it wasn't like God had actually given me the sort of real-world advice I needed to make it anywhere, but fortunately, he knew that. Verse eleven told me what to do.

Verse fourteen told me to think of all the things I've got going for me, like financial security (because I'm disabled).

Lastly, verse twenty pointed out that God made me unique, and everything that was happening in my life was not happening to any other person out there, as if my being disabled was somehow a puzzle piece in God's big picture.

After reading that, I couldn't bring myself to post the stupid pity-party status message I'd meant to. Instead, I gave God the glory.

Pillars of Fire

If you've heard of Moses, you might have heard how he lead the Israelites out of Egypt by following a pillar of fire by night or a pillar of smoke by day.

That's all fine and dandy for him, but why was Moses the only one to get the pillar-of-fire treatment? Wouldn't that make all the other Bible superstars jealous?

Wait, who said Moses had exclusive access to the glory of God as a column of fire from the earth to the heavens?

The topic came up in my Sunday School class the other day, and I realized the legendary pillar of fire actually is pretty common in the course of Bible history!

For a Jesus-freak, bible-reading sinner-saved-by-grace like me, it was an exciting revelation.

If the pillar of fire wasn't a one-time miracle, every time it is known to have appeared could represent a huge theological message that I've never actually looked at.

After thumbing through my Bible, doing a very quick scan for the concept of a column of intense, white fire (or smoke), or the glory of God in circumstances where the witness reacted as if to a column of light/fire, I had a page of notes written out!

Elijah made a big deal of showing a culture of idol worshipers just who God was. It's pretty epic to imagine God laying the smack-down like that.

Another prophet, that dude named Ezekiel, man he freaking saw this pillar of fire all over the place!

Did you know Daniel saw it too?

And my man Jesus, don't think he got left out of the action!

I'm sure the pillar of fire appears at other places in the Bible, but these are just the examples that stuck out with me. If you care to look, I'd examine any Bible story that involves a demonstration of the Spirit's power, a bolt of lightning, the glory of God, or a literal column of fire descending from the sky. Chances are you'll find lots of similarities throughout your resarch, and I pray you might be closer to God because of it.

I hope God blesses your future with a pillar of fire!